Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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