The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
