Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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