meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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