I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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