We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
