It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
