she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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