He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
