You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
