how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
