the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
