I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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