I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
