i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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