Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
