I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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