ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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