Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I love you.
Bad choice
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
