An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
