I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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