What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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