I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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