gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
