What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
