I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
