he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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