Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
