my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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