come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
