Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
