Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
