This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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