i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
