Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize