I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
