ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
