no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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