Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
