Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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