apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
