i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I want to be your penis for a week.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
