And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
