I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
