I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
