I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize