the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
