I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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