I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
