Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
