Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
