is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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