The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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