You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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