how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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