i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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