when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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